Escape to Paradise: Mertha Jati Hotel & Bungalow Awaits in Bali
The Hotel Review That Just Wouldn't Quit (or Maybe Should Have)
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because you’re about to embark on a hotel review journey so exhaustive, so… thorough, that you might need a nap afterwards. We're talking a deep dive into [Hotel Name], a place that promised paradise and delivered… well, something. Let's just say it was an experience.
(Metadata Snippet: Hotel Review, Accessibility, Luxury Hotel, [City Name] Hotels, Spa, Pool, Free Wi-Fi, Wheelchair Accessible, Restaurant, Fitness Center, COVID-19 Safety, [Hotel Chain if Applicable], [Hotel Name])
First thing's first: Accessibility. This is where things get… interesting. They say wheelchair accessible, and yeah, there are ramps, elevators, the whole shebang. But I swear, navigating the place felt like a level in a video game, constantly dodging obstacles. The hallways felt a little narrow in places, and the automatic doors sometimes took a nap themselves when you needed them most. This whole section deserves a solid… hmmm. 7.5/10. Could be better, could be worse.
(Accessibility: 7.5/10)
On-site accessible restaurants/lounges: They had them. I think. I only saw one restaurant with a clear path, but the seating arrangements felt a little… let’s call it “optimistic.” Maybe I should have tried harder to find them, but honestly, after the hallway obstacle course, I was ready for a nap.
(On-site Accessible Restaurants/Lounges: Unrated - Too Tired)
Wheelchair Accessible: See above. It’s there but not perfect. Kind of like finding a free parking spot on a Saturday.
(Wheelchair Accessible: 7.5/10)
Internet – Oh. The Internet. Okay, so this is where the free Wi-Fi in all rooms comes in. Thank God. I can’t even begin to tell you how important this was, because the… other internet options… existed.
Internet Access: The LAN port in the room was a relic of a bygone era, like a fax machine in a museum. Internet [LAN]: See above. Internet Services: Available, in the loosest sense of the word. Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!: Praise be! Okay, so the Wi-Fi was mostly usable. Sometimes it cut out. Other times, it worked like a charm. But hey, it was FREE. And that, my friends, is often the most important thing.
(Internet: 8/10, Free Wi-Fi: 9/10, LAN: Shudders)
Things to Do, Ways to Relax: This is where [Hotel Name] really tries to shine. And, to be fair, they do succeed, sort of. Like, you can't fault this hotel on quantity.
- Fitness Center: Perfectly adequate, though the equipment looked like it had seen better days. The treadmill screen definitely has seen some things. Like, maybe it watched the entire history of the internet.
- Gym/fitness: Same as above. (6/10)
- Pool with View: Yeah. This was gorgeous. Infinity pool, looking out over… whatever the view was. Probably the city, but I was mostly enjoying the water. The pool made up for a LOT.
- Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom: All available. Didn’t try them. Honestly, they were all a blur.
- Massage: Highly recommend. Booked it twice. Different masseuses, both equally lovely. Though one of them kept humming the same song, which now I can’t get out of my head. (Thank you, "massage lady"!)
- Body scrub, Body wrap, Foot bath: More options! Honestly, it felt like they were throwing every relaxation option at the wall to see what would stick.
- Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Amazing. (10/10)
(Things to do: Overall 8/10, Pool: 10/10, Massage: 9/10 (because of the humming!)
Cleanliness and Safety: Okay, this is another biggie, especially with all the "current events."
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hand sanitizer, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment: WHOA. They took this seriously. It was almost… overwhelming. The amount of hand sanitizer stations was staggering. I felt safer in that hotel than I do in my own bathroom.
- Hot water linen and laundry washing: Good to know.
- Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit: Reassuring.
- Shared stationery removed: I approve.
(Cleanliness and Safety: 9.5/10, almost overkill - in a good way!)
Dining, drinking, and snacking: Ah, yes. The food. Now this is where things… fluctuate.
- A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian/Western breakfast, Asian/International/Vegetarian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, Poolside bar, Room service [24-hour], Salad/Soup in restaurant, Snack bar: THEY HAD IT ALL. Seriously, the buffet breakfast was epic. Epic. A glorious mountain of pastries, fruit, and… well, almost everything you could want. The coffee? Not bad. The everything else? Mostly good. The service was generally… polite.
- Restaurants: Plenty of choices.
- Room service: Also available, and I took advantage of it multiple times. The food arrived… well, sometimes hot, sometimes lukewarm. But hey, room service!
(Dining: 8.5/10, Buffet breakfast: 10/10, Room service logistics: 7/10)
Services and Conveniences: These are the little things that can make or break a stay.
- Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor/Outdoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: They really thought of everything. Contactless check-in was a breeze. The concierge was actually useful. I even used the laundry service, which was a lifesaver.
- Elevator: Worked!
- Daily Housekeeping: Very thorough, possibly too thorough. I mean, I don’t change the towels every day.
- Invoice provided: (Thank goodness!)
(Services and Conveniences: 9/10, very impressive!)
For the kids:
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: Didn't have any kids myself, but they certainly seemed set up for it.
(For the Kids: Unrated - No Kids)
Access, Security and Safety
- CCTV in common areas/outside property, Check-in/out [express/private], Exterior corridor, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Hotel chain, Non-smoking rooms, Proposal spot (huh?), Room decorations, Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms, Soundproof rooms: They take security seriously. Lots of cameras, security guards, the works. The proposal spot? I didn't see it, or maybe I didn't recognize it.
- Pets allowed unavailable: Good to know.
(Access, Security and Safety: 9/10, felt incredibly safe!)
Getting around:
- Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, Car park [free of charge/on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Valet parking: All present and accounted for. Airport transfer was great. Valet parking? Maybe a little too attentive. One time, they took my car away just because I paused a moment before backing up.
(Getting around: 9/10, maybe a bit too attentive on the valet parking!)
Available in all rooms:
- **Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box,
Okay, buckle up, buttercups, because this isn't your sterile, overly-optimistic travel itinerary. This is the Mertha Jati Hotel & Bungalow Bali edition, and it's gonna get REAL. Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, questionable decisions, and the inevitable existential dread that comes with too much sunshine and Bintang.
Mertha Jati Messy Bali Breakdown: "Escape to… Somewhere-ish"
Days 1-2: Arrival & "Zen" (Hah!)
- Morning 1: Arrival in Denpasar (DPS). Jetlagged to hell and back (thanks, 18-hour layover!). The "airport pickup" (which, by the way, was just a guy holding a faded sign with a name that kind of looks like mine) whisked me away. Driver's probably seen it all -- especially the drool trail I left in the back of the air-conditioned car.
- Afternoon 1: Arrive at Mertha Jati. The bungalow? Adorable, yes. Bug-proof? Debatable. First thought, "Wow, this is… rustic." Second thought, "Okay, maybe a bit too rustic." Tried to unpack, but the mosquitoes had other plans. Immediate mental battle between "embrace the nature!" and "OH GOD, THEY'RE EATING ME ALIVE!"
- Evening 1: Dinner at the hotel restaurant. Ordered the Nasi Goreng. Delicious, yes. But the soundtrack? Endless elevator music. I swear, if I hear "Imagine" played on a pan flute one more time… Decided to drown my sorrows in a Bintang. Two (maybe three) turned into a surprisingly eloquent conversation with a gecko about the meaning of life. (Spoiler: He didn't know.)
- Morning 2: Attempted yoga session overlooking the rice paddies. Emphasis on "attempted." Ended up more like "sweating profusely while battling rogue ants and feeling supremely inadequate." The instructor was way too zen, I swear she levitated at one point.
- Afternoon 2: Explored the local area. Got blissfully lost down a tiny alleyway. It was paradise until I walked into a giant pile of… something smelly. My dignity, and my sandals, never recovered. Found a charming little warung (small local eatery) – ate the best Gado-Gado of my life. The owner, Ketut, gave me a free fruit platter and a smile that could melt glaciers. Bali redeemed itself.
- Evening 2: Sunset at the beach. Glorious. Absolutely breathtaking. I got so swept up in it that I literally tripped over a coconut husk. This is my life now.
- Night 2: Mosquito netting! That's all that matters in the evening.
Days 3-4: Ubud & The "Eat Pray Love" Delusion
- Morning 3: Travel to Ubud. The traffic! It's like a giant, slow-moving reptile that’s allergic to moving. The driver kept offering me "special" mushrooms. Said no, five times.
- Afternoon 3: Arrived in Ubud. It's picture-postcard pretty. Packed with tourists. Everyone's searching for themselves, whilst still spending a fortune on yoga retreats. I might have joined them.
- Day 3 (continuation): Visited the Monkey Forest. The monkeys are naughty and aggressive… and terrifyingly cute. A monkey stole my sunglasses. I chased it. It casually sat on a tree branch, wearing my shades, judging me while munching a banana. I lost.
- Evening 3: Had dinner at a vegan restaurant. The food looked… colorful. Tasted… like grass. I craved a burger for three days.
- Morning 4: Rice paddies. Magical, definitely. Breathtaking? Yes. Swarming with tourists taking selfies while simultaneously blocking the actual view? Also Yes. My inner cynic battled desperately against the beauty. The beauty won this round.
- Afternoon 4: Visited a local art market. Bargaining is an art form. I’m a beginner. Ended up with a wooden carving of something… interesting. No idea what it is, but it looks vaguely phallic. Oops.
- Evening 4: Attempted a meditation retreat. Fell asleep. Snoring. Mortified. Found it difficult to find peace and reflection whilst falling asleep.
Days 5-6: The Downward Spiral of Relaxation & (Maybe) Regret
- Morning 5: Back at Mertha Jati. The hotel pool… glorious. Spent the morning floating, pretending I have no responsibilities, and letting the sun bake my worries away.
- Afternoon 5: Decided to embrace Balinese massage. Oh, God. It was intense. The masseuse, blessed with powerful hands, worked out knots I didn't even know I had. Walked out feeling like a bag of mush. Worth it? Probably. Will I be able to walk tomorrow? Jury's out.
- Evening 5: That Bintang binge from Day 1 felt like a distant memory. Ordered all of the things from the hotel restaurant. Ate myself into a stupor. Watched a local dance performance. The costumes were stunning. I was so full I could barely keep my eyes open.
- Morning 6: Surfing lessons! This was a mistake. Woke up with a sore back. The only wave I caught almost took me out to sea. Looked like a beached whale and swallowing half the ocean in the process.
- Afternoon 6: I tried to order food and struggled to understand the menu. I ate a questionable fruit at some point.
- Evening 6: A quiet night to recharge and go to bed.
- Night 6: I was kept awake by all sorts of sounds. It sounded like several animals were around my bungalow, and it made me paranoid.
Day 7: Goodbye, Bali (and Hello, Reality)
- Morning 7: Last breakfast at the hotel. That Nasi Goreng is calling my name again. Packed, reluctantly. Said goodbye to the gecko (I think we became friends).
- Afternoon 7: Airport. Goodbye Bali. You were chaotic, confusing, beautiful, and utterly infuriating. I'll miss you (mostly).
- Evening 7: Plane. Heading back to the real world. Already missing the chaos, the Bintang, and the questionable decisions. Wondering if I can get away with wearing flip-flops to my next Zoom meeting.
- Night 7: Jetlagged, exhausted, and already planning my return. See you soon (maybe).
Things I learned:
- Mosquito repellent? Essential.
- Bargaining? Practice.
- Embracing the mess? Required.
- The meaning of Life? Still no clue. But hey, at least I have a wooden phallic carving to ponder it with.
P.S. Don't forget to bring your own toilet paper. Just trust me on this one.
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